School of Hard Knocks: Crash Course in Cruising

Back when I was at college, there was a certain bathroom on campus that was considered "cruisy." Now myself, having lived a sheltered life until then and experiencing a culture shock, did not know about "cruising" until I was 19y/o. My lesson went horribly WRONG!

That year I was taking an introduction to film class. I had just finished my paper on the stock characters of "Clasablanca" and had to rush to my professors office to turn it in. Making it there just in time before he left, I handed my paper in. That's when it hit me. A tightening in my stomach, followed by a crunch and gurgling sound from my bowels. Yes, I should not have ate the leftover burrito from Chipotle for lunch!

My professor's office was located in the basement of the arts building. I rushed quickly around trying to find a restroom, and was fortunate to find a sign pointing me in the right direction. I quickly entered the restroom and tried the stalls. The first three stalls were closed and locked, as I tried to pull on each door. I had to settle for the last stall, farthest from the door opposite the urinals that had no lock on it, just a hole in the door to which you could see through.

Pulling down my jeans and lifting my shirt a little, I sat down on the toilet seat (AFTER thoroughly wiping it off!) I placed my hands over my lap and I braced for IMPACT. That's when I got a "spidey sense" so to speak. Something in this bathroom was off.

First, all 4 stalls were occupied, yet you heard no sound what-so-ever. I'm a farmboy, and even I thought I could hear some crickets in that bathroom. Secondly, I noticed a foot in the other stall, very close to my partition. It didn't tap, to make a noise, yet it slowly elevated on it's heel, then returned back to it's resting position. This happened in a repitition of three, with a short break in between. Dammit, I didn't know morse code!

While I was noticing all this, my cheeks were clamped tighter then two fingers in some fingercuffs. (I get nervous when I think there is an audience) So, here it is nice and quiet, when in walks to guys. Both were very pale and slim. I'm guessing they were from the Drama department, since they were both dressed in suits and ties, and that department was putting on a production that afternoon.

They started to open my stall, at which point I grabbed the door to hold it closed. They let go of it, and decided to just go ahead and perform right there in the middle of the bathroom. I could see what was going on, cause of the hole where the lock should have been. They looked at my peeping eye and smiled. That's when I noticed that both guys had their POKEMON (in japanese it means POCKET MONSTER, I think it fits!) out and were playing with each others. You could hear their lips smacking against each others as they kissed, allowing their tongues to extend out so you could see them intertwined.

I was so focused on what was going on in front of me, that I hadn't seen the gentleman poking his head over the stall into mine. When he coughed, I looked up in horror at his face, and immediatly covered myself. Sorry, but when it comes to having to take a number 2, I don't want WITNESSES.

Well the shock must have thrown my system back into gear. Pressure had built up, and with only one path of release, found it's way there. It was LOUD, it was embarrasing, and it STUNK. The man immediately removed his head from my stall (I think he was suffocating, and perhaps he passed out from lack of oxygen, I don't know, I really should have checked up on him) I looked through the hole and saw the two boys make a wretched face and walk out. One by one I heard the slamming of stall doors as the victims tried to escape the deadly gas and sounds.

After clearing out the restroom and my own bowels, I cleaned up, washed my hands and departed the building. Walking back to my room, I started thinking about what had just happened. When I got to my dorm room, I passed Chris, my neighbor. I asked him how he was doing and he said fine. I noticed that he was carrying his trumpet and asked as to where he just came from. He looked at me with his nice smile and baby blue eyes and said, "The ARTS building."